The Olympic Torch

It might be interesting for you to know what was happening in the world when you were not born yet!

Here is one. The 2010 Winter Olympics is going to be held in Vancouver.  The torch relay started on October 30^th from Victoria. The athletes run the torch from one city to another, all around the country, and last week it arrived in Toronto. You father was shopping from an Iranian store in Yonge St. when he saw the torch and took a picture of it too. The event is exciting and memorable for lots and lots of people especially youth and athletes. After all, it the real Olympic torch! For me, all of the above was just a piece of news … I was home watching Toronto news channel when the reporter announced that they were going to take the torch to the Sick Kids Hospital in the afternoon. Then, it grabbed my attention. It brought smile to my face and once again I felt I love living in Canada. That is why I chose this country and I am happy to live here. There are some morals, some respects … people do not forget Sick Kids when they all get excited about something. You are part of this society, no matter what. The society doesn’t forget to pay your share if you become sick, disabled, or something else happen to you. Even if it is just for the show, I like the fact that people feel responsible to cheer up the Sick Kids as well as others.

Alright! Here we go :)

So I finally felt your moves! The first time I felt it 4 days ago on Dec 10 -Thursday.

Thursday after lunch, I tuned on my favorite Galaxie Kids' Stuff music channel (As you can imagine it is one of my new favorites). They play soft, happy and calming kid’s music. I sat on my glider chair (another new favorite of mine) and started to touch my belly gently. I sat there quietly for a while and then I felt your move! It was like a short and quick vibration. I was not sure if it is you or something else but then I felt it for the second and third times … you wanted to assure me that it is you :) I sat there relaxing for about 2 hours. I think you enjoyed it too. That day you moved a lot … even when I was at work (on night shift) and even when I went to bed for sleep. The moves were felt mostly in my lower abdomen. It was the feeling that most women describe it as having a butterfly in their stomack. For me, it is best described as sudden and short waves or vibrations.

So, now I know what it is every time I feel it :) Your moves have been less frequent today but I felt two sharper/stronger moves. It is like when I ride the roller coaster or when I swing and something moves inside my belly (I describe it as a electric wave!!) with a kind of giggling feelings.

Now your father is waiting to be able to touch your kicks from outside my belly. He gets very excited every time I tell him “the baby is moving now”! I bet he will be able to touch your moves by the end of this month.

I am so waiting for your first kick!

I am 22 weeks pregnant today …. Or it is better to say you have started your life for 22 weeks :-)
Oh, you know what! Forget it! Never mind sweetie! LOL
To be honest, I started this to say that I am so waiting for your first kick and I have not felt any of your moves yet. I wanted to say it is about the time for you to kick me and I am getting a bit concerned about what you are doing there! Perhaps you have kicked me but it was not strong enough for me to be sure it is you! You have to send me a strong and clear signal honey. I am a bit inexperienced in this!

But I just read what I just wrote and I thought Oh! It is too much expectation from a 22-weeks-old person! You are just 22 weeks … that sounds so funny kocholoo! You have no idea yet how cute and funny it is. You are so very young. Take your time love. I can wait a bit more!

Today’s Thoughts

I was calculating our ages when you become 18-year-old. I will be 52 and your father will be 58! I was freaked out again! I hope we are not too boring for you that time :) Then I thought about our other friends and I realized we are more or less the same. Most of them are our ages and have a new born. Some don’t have kids yet, some are not married yet (although you may say it is not a requirement to have kids, but at the time, it is a considerable factor!) So, I guess you won’t feel awkward to introduce us to your friends: these are my parents! LoL (By the way, do you still use “LOL”?! )


But I am not a freak all the times … we have a lot of fun too. We have started to select names for you. I thought you may like to have a middle name too and your father also agreed. So, you will have a Persian first name and a Canadian (!!!) middle name in case you prefer to use it at school. I don’t know … I was thinking that you may also like to choose your middle name yourself. So, we may leave it blank for now! Anyhow, now I have a list of names on my whiteboard and we add a new one to that every now and then.

We also gave ourselves a tour at Babies-R-Us on Saturday. That was fun too. It was always my pleasure to go to Toys-R-Us and babaies-R-us to shop for friends, but shopping for you …. Well, don’t ever compare the joy :) We examined the strollers, the car seats, the cribs, the plastic bathtubs and everything else. I told the CSR girl that “we have no clue what we should buy” and she gave me a “baby need checklist” that will keep us busy for the next months.

What else? I am wondering what you should call us. I mean, I was thinking that you can call me by my name instead of calling me “maman” or “mommy”. You can call me “Moni joon” :) I don’t know …. I think you will feel closer and its more friendly to call us by names. Your father thinks the opposite way. He likes to be called “Baba” or “Daddy”. I think he prefers “Baba”. He said calling parents by their named feel cold, distant and weird. Although, Baba and Maman feel close, he said.


I am not sure yet …. I am still thinking. Maybe I should ask my friend to vote.
 Also I was thinking to ask your grandparents what they would like to be called by you. I don’t want to think of every detail. Let them to choose. Makes life easier for me. LoL

Today I booked to get the H1N1 shot (the Swine Flu vaccine). It is getting more and more serious and more threatening. We finally decided to get the shot, although it’s the first year and I think there are lots of unknowns about it but it is highly recommended by the Public Health and my doctor.
 Anyways Kiddo …. I think of everyyyyyyyy thing you may think of, but there is just one thing that I don’t like to think of: the Labor pain! We will see how it goes …. We have about another 4.5 month to go. It’s too early to think about delivery.


Sweet Sleep Baby

I saw you for the first time

I saw you yesterday. I saw your round beautiful head, your little nose and lips, your tiny body, your hands, legs and your feet … I saw your toes and I could not believe what I was watching. You have toes?! That perfect that I can distinguish them?



I felt the tears were dropping from the corner of my eyes. You are 16 weeks sweet heart and we did not know! We thought you are only 12 weeks. I saw your little heart that was beating but it was your feet and toes that melted my heart. Were you really moving your cute little foot or it was my mistake? So many times I’ve heard that mothers cry when they see their baby’s sonographic photo and it never made any sense for me! It was just a not so clear black and white image of a fetus (like the ones we see in the books) and no one could ever explained for me why they cried over that photo of their babies. They must have been very excited about their pregnancy or it was the hormones I thought.


Sure the hormones play a big role. But I was not crying out of happiness. I felt I have neglected you. You, the complete human, peacefully resting inside me. Very calm and very assured! Have I nourished you enough? Have I taken care of you enough? Are you enjoying there? I was not aware of you for a whole month! I remember I was going for a diet to lose about 2 Kg. You must have been one month when I was going for that diet. Good that I was not so serious about keeping it! And all of these time, I was reading all the materials one month behind your age … Ah! I started the vitamins one month late too because I did not know … how could I not know that you were growing this much?


I loved your profile. I think you are very pretty. That is so true. I imagined your head, your belly your legs and your feet many times last night. You are real. You little fellow growing up quietly!


But the good thing is that we have passed 4 months together. I started drinking more milk since last week and I try to eat one apple per day! It is not easy! You know I don’t like milk and apple. I also have to announce the news at work. It is getting late. You got us by surprise, although I had the feeling that you must be bigger than just the 12 weeks. I thought you might be 14 weeks. But I was not sure. All the heaviness and fatigue that I’ve felt lately … I am glad you passed the 4 months. And you know what? Your birthday is going to be very close to mine! Hahaha Now we have to wait and see what day you like to pick for your birthday.


Your father was there too, I should tell you. We watched your pictures on the monitor together. He was also very excited and very nervous too. Well, I was kind of glad that he was not laid back, but he was so nervous that I felt I have to calm him down! I told him not to worry even if the sonographist told us there was a problem. Well, that is just the outer face of me. The inner side …. there is no bravery.

The technician asked me if I liked to know about your sex or I preferred to wait for my partner. I told her to wait. I really don’t care. I raised myself this way. I promised myself to be equally open for a boy or a girl child. But there is always an unconscious feelings … hidden in the bottom layers of our mind that we cannot control it. I must admit I was more ready to have a baby girl.


Since I find out I am pregnant, I had a feeling that you are a boy. Or maybe I was afraid that you might be a boy! And when we announced it among family, everybody had the same guess: It is a boy!


And that is what the tech confirmed: I think it is a boy. I smiled and said: we had the feeling that it is a boy. She said it is too early to say it for sure and the result will be confirmed by the next ultrasound in the next month.


Oh boy! :) You don’t know how much I hate to say that “I want a girl” or “I want a boy” … but let me explain my concerns here for you. I am afraid I don’t know how to deal with a boy. I am afraid I cannot be a good mom for my son.

I will write about all those thought that passed through my mind in that single second and I will tell you all about all my concerns. But, one great thing I've learned in my life is that I should never be worry about something that I’ve never experienced! I should never predict the future and how it is going to be, because I cannot! Nobody can! Worrying for a situation that has not happened is the worst way of wasting of time and energy.

Honey I gotta go out now … I will continue this

My first actual letter for you

I have always written letters for you; even when you did not exist; even when the idea of having you did not exist; even when I was resisting the idea of having a child. In spite of all these, I have always written for you in my mind in different occasions … on different subjects… Whenever I thought I should share a thought with you. Sentences after sentences, I’ve written for you at night times, in the bed before going to sleep. I’ve written for you when I was taking a shower or I was driving. Sometimes I wondered how I should put all those thoughts together in a real letter for you, written on an actual piece of paper. I’ve thought how I would start that letter … which one worth to be told ….



So, here we are. Now, you are the size of a small dot somewhere inside me and I finally started writing a real letter for you. Your life has begun for about 5 or 6 weeks and I am ready to welcome you to the journey of your life. I am sure it will be amazing. I am sure you will be great. You will be one of the bests.


I am nervous. The first letter is supposed to be impressive … I play with words and none of them seems perfect to me. Although I’ve written many letters for you so far in my mind, I’ve never imagined having a conversation with you. I do not have the courage to imagine how our conversation would be like. How would you look like? Are you a girl or a boy? Tall or short? Maybe average height :) I feel I am open for any surprises. I am ready for you no matter what. Will we talk like two friends? Or will you stand in front of me yelling at me and calling my ideas ridiculous? The same I used to do with my mom! (This is true darling, and I am not going to hide it from you like what most parents do. We will talk about it later. There is one thing about me and that is I am very honest. The same way some people enjoy wearing reveling cloths, I enjoy reveling my soul and my thoughts.)

These days, I look at people around me … real people, movie characters, everyone … I choose the best ones and I imagine you become someone like them… sounds funny, ha? I know :)


I wish you to have the beauty, the strength, the intelligence, and the self-confidence of them ... I wish the best of the bests for you … but most of all, I wish you to be happy and enjoy your life. I am sure you will find your way. No doubt. We all do and you will too*. I always say there are moments in life that worth all the pain and struggle we go through. I wish and hope you find and cherish those moments. No, no, no, wait! I hope your life to be full of those moments.


There is one big truth about this world honey: no pain, no gain! Do I sound harsh? Do I sound like I’ve started my real life lectures too early for you? I told you I am honest. I’m afraid I picture an unrealistic perfect life for you if I do not say the whole truth about life. You know what darling? For many years I was thinking that it is not fair that people cannot give a choice to babies to choose to be born or not! Well, that is me … there are lots of thoughts I like to share with you but let’s take it easy. I am happy you will be with us soon. We are waiting to be with you.



*I don’t write these to give you hope, no! Don’t get me wrong! I am writing to make myself calm. I want to assure myself that you will enjoy your life. After all, we are inviting you to this life, don’t we? I feel responsible darling. Sometimes, I think you are here to have your unique experiences in life and we are your hosts. I swing between these ideas.



P.S. The first part of this letter was written on Sep. 18, 2009 when flying to Iran. Somewhere between sky and earth from Toronto to Amsterdam!